A MAN FOR CHRISTMAS



Life has a way of putting things into perspectives. Things that were initially not important start to take center stage while things that were important are brushed under the carpet. Humans are funny that way. This post is not going to be that deep, though. It’s actually a silly post that speaks of Christmas and men and Idris.
With the festivities being officially over the need to reevaluate life kicks in. You start to think of what comes next. Of new resolutions and what not. Among the things I am getting is a man for Christmas. Hold up for a minute as I try to explain why and the kind of man I will get. You have to bear with my cheesy mills and boons title inserts smiley face.

Holidays in my family are about food, family and guests. Lots and lots of guests. The guests are always people from the extended family. This year boyfriends made a cameo. OK one boyfriend from the second last born. I was eager to see this guy. To see if he looks like my father because apparently you date people who look like your family. It’s not like I get excited over other people’s boyfriends, I promise. But it’s been a year plus and I had never seen him. So I started making plans in my head. I thought of probably sitting him in a corner and over a couple of beers -because if I said sodas it wouldn’t sound so cool- get to know his intentions for my sister. The student. Who am I kidding. That’s a role for my father. He would probably give him the third degree one of these days.

There was someone who was conspicuously absent. My boyfriend! Apparently there was a rumor going around with the fam that I am bringing over a boyfriend. A three-legged guy with a million dollar smile and killer humor. Where do these people get these ideas from?
The family was definitely mistaken. My boyfriend couldn’t come over on such short notice. He was busy making Hollywood happy.
“Idris, my family wants to meet you!”

When I heard the rumor, I laughed. Boyfriend? Which boyfriend? I asked.
“Since we have in-laws and a boyfriend coming over we wanted to see yours”, my sister said.
Well, unfortunately, I didn’t get the memo. If I had I would have enlisted the services of one of these male friends I have. At least, he would have partaken this great pizza I made.

That got me thinking, though. What if next year I bought someone to these events. A proper eye candy for the family. He should be tall. I didn’t say taller than me, though, because practically every guy I know is taller than me. I mean Idris Elba tall. A friend pointed out that he would probably make me look like a dwarf! Dwarf is good, no? Apparently men do fantasize about dwarfs. So I will be in good company.
This guy should have a killer sense of humor. Because my family will make fun of him. They will shred him to pieces while maintaining smiles. These people are ruthless.They will look at him and will gossip about his mouth, his beady eyes or his one pack.

“Hey, P you want to act like my boyfriend next Christmas? ”

a cousin decided to give us relationship advice. she swears the advice is from our departed grandmother. Apparently my grandmother, may her soul rest in eternal peace, had infinite wisdom when it came to relationships. She would sit you down and among other things will start to explain the kind of guy you should date. It is important to note that during her time one date could seal the deal and lead to marriage. Not these half-baked relationships we are so fond of these days.
I think I will enlist her never ending wisdom at this point.

  1. Don’t date a man who wears sunglasses or hats.
    I know the metrosexuals will want to bash my head in. But listen to my late grandmother’s argument for a second.
    Men who wear their hats too low to cover their eyes or wear sunglasses every moment of every day have something to hide. If the eyes are the windows to the soul why would you feel the need to cover them. Imagine sitting across a man who refuses to remove his shades. Someone did lie to Kenyans that this is cool. No, it’s not. It is so uncool. My gran apparently used to say that such men are either players or thieves. If you don’t agree with my gran go argue with yours.
  2. A man should look you straight in the eyes.
    This ties nicely with point one above.
    Shifty eyes speak of shifty behavior. If you are holding a conversation with a man he should hold your gaze. Most liers will not look you straight in the eyes. According to gran when a man cares for you, he should give you a steady gave. Not blinking all the time. For god sake, you are not Betty bop.
  3. A man should know his status.
    OK, this is a variation of what my gran taught. She advocates for knowing every sickness that the guy you are dating and his family have. That way you may judge the sicknesses passed down to your kids. Apparently in the olden days where your spouse was picked for you, your family will embark on a mission. A mission to find out if his family was compatible with yours. Issues like madness even in a distant uncle would render the two of you incompatible.
    We live in an age where HIV and AIDs are not just a scary bedtime story. If you are sexually active you need to know your status. Go to a VCT center and have the scariest ten minutes of your life out of the way.

  4. A man that’s worth a damn and treats you well.
    That’s a line from a song I like actually. But how true is it. According to my gran, a man should be able to bring the proverbial bread, to act like the man in the relationship. There are a lot of things I don’t advocate for in that mindset but I do agree that a man should treat you with respect. Not like a slave but a partner. For my gran, it was someone who has the capacity to provide for his family.

  5. A man should have something to offer.
    So apparently the deal was sealed for my gran when she saw my grandfather’s legs. Here is the rationale. My gran had an ass. If you don’t, believe me, you need only to look at her grandchildren. But even with her assmatic endowment, she had something that wasn’t the best. She had thin legs. Not those stick legs that look like a rungu ya Masai. Thin but shapely legs. So here was a guy who was into her. Luckily dude decides to approach her wearing shorts. My people have a thing for legs. A beautiful woman should always have indumbu. We have songs about legs. We have stories about legs. We will make fun of your thin legs no matter how beautiful your face is! So, gran figured if she married this guy, she would most certainly get three out of four kids with beautiful legs. A couple of decades later I thank God for her infinite wisdom.

  6. A man who can stand a strong woman
    The man I will take home is not someone easily intimidated with women. He will be thrust in this kingdom of women who never shut up. Who want to dominate in most matters. Unfortunately, the only man who has been able to reign us in is our father. He is king! So if you are going into a family like ours, you had better do what the Romans are doing.

Of course, if you are meeting my family its a serious thing. So you will have to undergo Khuhu’s checklist!

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