DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP by ESTHER WAVINYA


Image courtesy of the web
Image courtesy of the web

Dear Daughter,

I know that I am not a woman of my word. I promised that I will be writing to you on a weekly basis. This promise should have never escaped my lips had I known that I would not honor it. My girl, it cannot be helped that I went against my word. I was busy my little girl. Well, I cringe when I say that  to justify my wrongs. The word BUSY has a very negative connotation especially to people you love or claim to. Therefore it hurts me to truthfully claim that I was busy and by being in this state, shelved the need to write to you about Life and Love of this world. If it is of any comfort, I want to briefly inform you that I have now gone back to school. And to answer your question, yes I am not that old to learn. If what you are studying gives you shrieks of orgasmic delight, as well as illuminating your future, then I tell you that it is worth its salt.

By the time you will be reading this, we will probably have relocated to a foreign country. My dreams of being a diplomat will have come true, and like Mukhisa Kituyi, a man I hold in reverence, I will be working with people around the world in solving global problems. I inform you all this because you are my daughter and my rock. In doing this, I hope to pacify you and also share with you my dreams, achievements and hopes. If my dreams put a little fire in your heart, if my achievements warm your soul, then it makes me a happy mother. I know that I have been wearing several hats lately. Apart from being your dear mother, I am an employee and a student.So I put all these down for a moment so that I can be of counsel to you. Do you forgive me for my being busy?

I do not remember where I left at when I lastly wrote you a letter. It was just the other day when my friends were talking about my GREAT LETTERS TO MY DAUGHTER as we did coffee. Mostly, they invented sarcastic jokes about these letters. I really have sarcastic male friends.To them, my letters to you are the raw materials to their pun industry. One of them, with a very handsome smile, suggested that he will also start writing letters to his son. I will share the link when he does. (When you are of age of course). I like to think that his letters will be a cause for laughter. We will read those parody letters and then use the good laugh, probably hi-fiving in the middle of it. Then there is this other man whose duty in life is to champion the misinterpretation of my sentences and utterances. He also loves to joke about cows. Once he has destroyed my speech, he further stretches his laughter by promising to bring cows at our home place Mbooni. Someone must have told him that as Kamba we love cows especially as bride price. You see my girl, marriage is a calling and some of us didn’t get the call or we got a missed called only to find the phone mteja when we tried calling back. Some claim it is a material, I think mine was stolen or got burned or something. This doesn’t mean I can’t give it a try if one day I meet prince charming who will make me his queen because he will be my King. A lioness because he will be my lion…Haha.

It is fun knowing that as much as I digress; you will still find the letter enjoyable, especially the part where I inform you that I am now officially Scholar Esther Wavinya. And yes, as a scholar, I have a field I specialize in.And yes, I have new discoveries in the same field. As a scholar, I coin words like DTR for example. (Oscar Mutie will laugh at my ‘scholar manenoz’. He simply thinks that I am not a scholar because he is under ‘LMP’ Anyway, let us leave the LMP’s to their devices. I will tell you what LMP means in my next letter my daughter.) Back to my discovery. DTR. D for define, T for the, and R for relationship. In simple terms my girl I simply ask you to be prudent enough to define your relationships.

During one of my coffee dates, I met this man, charming and intelligent; and therefore, as it happens with birds of a feather, we found ourselves discussing grand ideas. We debated on the Kantian Synthetic theory, we debated on nihilism and its place in the society, the conflict between science and the church and many others. It is when I was about to mention the 48 laws of power when I noticed that the man had gone mum. He simply watched me, biting his lips and screwing his eyes. When I met his eyes, I knew that there was something about MATTERS OF THE HEART that he wanted to ask me. And there it was! He asked me whether I was single or in a relationship. I fumbled for and stumbled against words trying to answer his question. At first I told him that I didn’t know. The man continued to watch me, saying nothing. I felt trapped. I told him to rephrase the question and he did, stating that he was a staunch believer of YES or NO philosophy. So finally I told him that I was not in a relationship although I went for coffee dates. I am technically single I said.

Baby girl, as an individual and a human being you are a unique entity. As an entity you need to have individual interests rationally written down in your diary or personal note book. My child, it is mandatory to have life principles to live by especially in your love life. These Individual interests will help you know what you want, how you want them, and what to do if your interests are not met. You will also be immune from those people who have awards in manipulating others. My daughter, if you live a life without principles, anger will be your ally. It is the most volatile form of emotion you can ever burden yourself with. It harms and ruins, making you a fickle creature.  I would dream of you in such a state my child.

 

So when is the right time to DTR?  You see, at one point in your life you might find yourself in a tight situation whereby your pals will ask you about the man you have been hanging out with for several months. The question will be worrying as you will wonder what you are doing, and end up answering,

“Well…sort of…I mean, we’re not really seeing, seeing each other we’re just seeing each other. Do you know what I mean?”

The caprices of wanting your relationship to work will then grip you. How will you know that it is just a fling, a friend with benefit or a relationship or an Affair? You need to know my child. Having lived in this world for so many years, I have come to realize that ladies suffer emotionally because they hoped for a relationship only to realize it was a FWB. They cry the whole Atlantic Ocean regretting why they said no to date 2 0r 3 or 4. My daughter, it is a crazy world out here.

As a rule of thumb, my girl, if you are having sex with someone, it is better to have some form of the DTR conversation soon(ish), to manage expectations. More so of you get clues that you and your sexual partner are not on the same page. You see, if you sow expectations, you will reap disappointments. If you haven’t tabled your desires, you will get trampled on. Baby girl, it is better to be honest about how you are feeling than to hide it and end up hurt or disappointing one another because you had different ideas about the nature of your relationship.

 

Anyway baby girl, it is good to define the relationship especially if you have gone out for a couple of dates and you want to know your stand with this person so that you can cut out other suitors. You really don’t want to be seeing other people do you? But if you’re not seeing anyone else, and you’re seeing a lot of each other, what on earth is it if it’s not a relationship? It has always been said that DTR is TTD (tough to do). My girl, DTR could lead to either a beautiful or catastrophic future. I know we all don’t want to pressure our partners but at the same time we don’t want to commit to someone who doesn’t offer commitment either. Do we?  No matter how ball-shrinking terror the conversation on DTR will instill in a man’s heart, a woman who is unsure of what is happening should ask the question. Are we at the same page my girl? It is always good to be sure where you are going my daughter. Don’t walk blindly. Don’t follow someone blindly because this will spell out tragedy. You will be turned into a whiner. This is the reason why some women label men dogs yet they didn’t DTR.

My daughter, always knows, if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk, then don’t jump into conclusion and assume things. This will only lead you to getting hurt. This is a recipe for resentment. And here is where I make my stop adorable child. Till my next letter.Chao!

Yours

Loving mother.

 

 

 

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